I don't want to talk about being trans

Submission for the #TransgenderFirst Scholarship

I never write about being trans. I never talk about being trans. I don’t like to talk about how my transgender identity impacts my life. To a certain extent I think that by avoiding this topic, I can deny that any issues come from it. I can prevent any discrimination from happening, because I’m hot and white and young and live in West Hollywood and wear pretty standard, unassuming clothes (well, other than when I’m going out to a queer bar, but like, within any context).

Despite my relatively androgynous appearance, I live “stealth” as a trans person. (For the normies, stealth means you get yourself to a place where you “pass”, or get away with “looking like” the gender you identify with to the point that people around you just naturally identify you as such and use the correct pronouns.) People who use they/them pronouns can’t really do that. I actually used they/them pronouns when I first came out but switched to he/him when it felt too difficult. It’s easier to just be a man.

Obviously there are still people who know about my trans identity: my family, my partner, my massage therapist, my doctors. And based on my comfortability I’ve told friends, queer and straight alike, at different times; sometimes I mention it the first time having dinner with them, and sometimes I wait until I feel comfortable and settled in the relationship. But I’m not posting about it online, not wearing a pronoun pin, not discussing being trans at work.

As a not visibly trans person I get a choice in this. There are many people I choose not to tell. Even with a beard, a flat chest, and masculine clothes, I still have experiences of being misgendered. It’s happened walking my dog and talking to my neighbors, answering the phone with my less-than-baritone voice, and even by a client at work. And for some reason, something inside me just doesn’t want to correct them. I just kinda let it slide. Over and over again.

Truly, the only reason I’m even writing about this at all is because I’m applying for a scholarship for grad school (and I’m actually supposed to include a link so here you go: https://www.onlinedegree.com/transgender-first-scholarship/). A part of the scholarship asks applicants to write about why it’s difficult for trans people to afford and approach college. I think a part of why I’m applying for a scholarship all about being trans, one that goes as far as to require me to publicly admit to my trans-ness through a blog post, is because there are only so many scholarships I qualify for. I’m actually kinda surprised how many scholarships are specifically for women. I’m all for gender equality, I just feel a bit sectioned off from access to financial support in this weird way. And for most trans scholarships, its expected that your financial need is in some way tied to being trans, which seems like a bit of an over-simplification, because that’s never the case for the women’s scholarships. It’s enough to just be a woman, and have financial need.

I do think it’s interesting though, the question about why it’s difficult to approach college. My disinterest in correcting people who misgender me was a huge barrier to my comfort in undergrad. I was in an awkward, not-really-passing stage of my transition, I really didn’t know how to dress myself or do my hair yet, I was figuring everything out. And I didn’t want to be misgendered but I also didn’t want to tell people I was trans, classic catch 22. So I just submitted myself to being misgendered in all but one writing class in which I was bold enough to correct another student in front of the whole class (after which, to my dismay, she profusely apologized, making me feel a million times more awkward than if she’d just adjusted her language and let it go, but she needed to feel better, obviously.)

It’s not that I wouldn’t have been accepted on my campus, but there’s this required outing of oneself in institutions centered around straight people. And maybe I just don’t want to do that! (I’m working on accepting the fact that I have wants and needs, how am I doing?) I had a really gay Spanish instructor who I approached about the issue of being misgendered in class— don’t even get me started on foreign language classes— and she was basically like “we can do the ‘go around and all say our pronouns’ thing but thats also just you outing yourself.” She made a good point.

Class, and college in general, just became a place where I was generally uncomfortable. It was distracting from my school work and my ability to think about my goals for after college— would the whole world just be like this? Every job? Every friendship?

So yeah, I’m writing a blog post to out myself because I need money for college. And it’s super uncomfortable. But it’s better than loans.

Oh, and by the way, this is not an invitation to bring this up the next time I see you!